drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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