you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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