Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my sisters under your porch take her home
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
