you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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