so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
