True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
