She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
