peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
