in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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