I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
