I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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