how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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