currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
