My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
