Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
