did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
