she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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