I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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