This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
