We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
