Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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