I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
