So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Green mimosas i think yes
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
