At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
