Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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