Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
