her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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