He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
