His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
