just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
