I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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