You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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