Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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