Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
