Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
