Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
