Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
