I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't make out with my wife yet
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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