I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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