Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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