Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
