Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
