i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
