If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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