Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
