GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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