I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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