I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
