so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
