I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
