wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
