Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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