Please don't use social media to get back at me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
